It's officially a week into October... DV Awareness Month has kicked off and I have already been busy out in the H-town community giving trainings, particularly to professionals, about the dynamics of DV & how to respond with empathy, knowledge, and respect if someone discloses violence in their relationship. So thought I'd share a lil of the basics here!
First off - What is Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence?
The all-formal-bout-it way to define - A pattern of behaviors by one partner to create a current of terror (makes their partner AFRAID of them) in the effort to maintain power and control (their ultimate goal) in an intimate relationship (such as marriage, dating, family, cohabitation). Some (but not all) of the tactics perpetrators may use include emotional/psychological abuse, sexual violence, physical violence, isolation, intimidation, threats & coercion, minimizing&denying&blaming, using children, gender privilege, and reproductive coercion.
Again... Not a comprehensive list of all the tactics a perpetrator might use to maintain control, but some of the pervasive ones we see.
So who does this happen to?
Welp. Anyone. It does not matter your age, economic status, race, religion, education, sexual orientation, etc. That's the scary part - its not happening to those people over there, its happening to the people we love. Millions of our friends, family, neighbors, members of our communities experience DV in the United States every year. Across the nation, crisis hotlines answer around 25,000 calls PER DAY & those of course are just the individuals who are ready to make or able to make that call. Is DV a gendered crime? It absolutely is. 85% of victim/survivors in the U.S are female and the 15% includes individuals in LGBT relationships and men abused by women.
So "Why don't they just leave?"
Ah, yes. This lovely question. And I don't blame people for asking this one - it comes from the world around us, everything we've been taught about violence being acceptable, and the fact that it can be extremely DIFFICULT to face the facts that maybe we've perpetrated violence in some way? Or maybe someone we love or care about has? Easier to say "God, why don't they just leave?", "If I was in that situation, I wouldn't stand for that!" "What's wrong with her" and so on and so forth... Thus allowing for the cultural acceptance of violence to continue and the victim/survivor to be further and further isolated. No bueno. And damn, shaming victim/survivors is not how we are going to solve this epidemic.
So anywho, the answer. The barriers are stacked up high for victim/survivors when they are trying to leave.
- Perpetrators work day in and day out to make sure that victim/survivors CAN NOT leave - the manipulation, degradation, isolation, insults, & threats are ever present
- They are terrified of what might happen to them or their children if they do leave & these threats can be very scary and very real. Leaving = perpetrator losing that control & they are not too pleased about losing something they put in all that effort to get. The victim's chances of being killed increases when they have just left or are leaving - it is a very dangerous time. On average, 3 women die per day at the hands of their current or former intimate partner.
- If you hear terrible things about yourself every.single.day... you start to believe those things, including that the abuse is your fault. I created the abuse so I can also stop it..
- Left in a financial situation that makes it impossible to survive without the perpetrator
- LOVE for this individual... who was not like this in the beginning, who has a good, kind side, who the victim/survivor cares for very much, and who has promised repeatedly they will change. No one wants abuse or violence in their relationship, but that doesn't mean they want the relationship to end - Just for the violence to stop and to feel safe in their relationship or in their home.
And there are so many more... peer, family, or cultural pressure, distrust of the police/systems, legal status, fear of being alone, unresolved history of trauma, shame/guilt, wanting to keep a family unit in tact, fear of being outed, denial...
Some ideals that NEED to be challenged that ALLOW domestic violence/gender-based violence to continue:
- Power over others - systems of oppression, racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, ableism, lack of perpetrator accountability
- Violence being acceptable - totally okay form of conflict resolution
- Limited notions of masculinity - only one way to be a "real man", "boys will be boys" rigid gender socialization
- Limited notions of femininity - sexism, objectification/dehumanization of women
- Privacy and silence - private matter, stays inside the home, DON'T TALK ABOUT IT
This is my smooshed down, lickity-split version of a complex issue but an issue that we can create social change around, we can stand up and say no more to, and one we definitely need to support the survivors of.
Peace&Love,
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| On October 1st. Rock your purple outfits and nails this month! U.S National DV Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224 My work (Houston Area Women's Center) line (713) 528-2121 |
